Friendships evolve as we get older, and the opportunities to form new connections often become less automatic. In this episode, Kristi explores Adam Grant’s four types of relationships: associates, allies, pals, and companions. She reflects on how friendships shift through different seasons of life and how those same distinctions can help trial attorneys set realistic expectations for their connections with jurors.

In the Communication Tip, Kristi revisits the familiar advice to count to 10 before responding. She explains how intentional breathing and a brief pause can help calm the nervous system, interrupt impulsive reactions, and create space to respond with greater composure, especially in high-pressure situations.

LISTEN HERE...

Key Takeaway

Not every connection needs to become a friendship, and not every interaction requires the same level of intimacy. Whether you're navigating personal relationships or building rapport with jurors, recognize the kind of connection the situation calls for. And when emotions run high, a deliberate pause and a few slow breaths can help you choose your response instead of reacting automatically.

Favorite Moment

“Calming your nervous system doesn't mean that you weaken your position, or that you lose your fire or intensity. It just keeps you at choice and gives you agency in the tense moments.”

Links & Resources

Adam Grant - https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1btS7fd6BT/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Vibe: The Secrets of Strong Connections in a Lonely World https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GPHPNZ14?ref_=cm_sw_r_ffobk_cp_ud_dp_PQQ9G81FREK3VSR8RR53&bestFormat=true

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Explore how your voice, breathing, and emotional regulation influence the way others experience you. Practice the pause, stay intentional in your communication, and keep fostering your voice.

TRANSCRIPT:

Helllloooooo!!!! Hello Foster Fam!

Tis the season of festivities and gatherings. We're heading into the holidays, and the calendar is filling up. My calendar management is better than it used to be, but it's still something to pay attention to and be mindful about.

But, when considering the people I'm choosing to spend time with during the upcoming season, it's made me just look a little closer at the friendships I've been curating.

Have you ever noticed that just making friends seems to get harder as we get older? From the jump, I feel a little embarrassed even asking the question because I think that it implies that I don't have friends, or that I'm lonely, but neither is true. But I definitely have a different relationship with forming friendships now, in my 50's, than in my younger years and i wonder if you experience some of the same things.

When we’re kids, making friends is kinda built into the schedule. We've got a lot of shared activities. We go to school together. We play on the same sports teams. Go to the same youth group. Do the same extracurricular activities. Live in the same neighborhood.

Then, as adults into our 20s & 30s, we make friends through work, volunteering, or whatever activities fill our calendars. Sometimes revolving around raising kids, mom groups, play dates, and kids school activities.

But have you or did you notice that somewhere along the way, those built-in opportunities started to disappear?

Kids grew up. We change jobs or we retire. We move. We find ourselves taking on caregiving for aging parents. And suddenly, getting together with a friend requires at least three weeks advanced notice and 14 text messages. ha!

I might be exaggerating a little, but only a LITTLE. It's a pretty clear picture of my life at least.

The TYPES of friendships really can change as we get older too. And it’s not just about having less time.

Psychologists have studied a concept called socioemotional selectivity theory. The basic idea is that as people perceive their time as more limited, their social priorities can shift. Instead of focusing on meeting new people, or expanding networks, we start to place greater value on relationships that feel emotionally meaningful, that go beyond transaction and beyond the surface.

As I've been experiencing some of this in my own life and just observing these normal shifts in my age group, I came across a book by Adam Grant called Vibe: The Secrets of Strong Connections in a Lonely World. I've been mentioning Adam Grant a bit more in recent episodes—partly because that's what the algorithm has been send me, but also because what I see of his really resonates with me.

In his book, he explores the different kinds of connections we have with people. And he describes four types: associates, allies, pals, and companions.

So, quick definitions, and maybe see if you can identify each type in your relationship circles:

I guess it's important to note that these aren't permanent categories. LIke, relationships morph through the years, and maybe someone changes categories or fits into more than one depending on the circumstances.

I mean, think about the people who were important to you in your twenties. How many of those relationships are still part of your life today? And how many of the people who matter most to you now weren't even in the picture back then?

I recently had, sadly, a long time family friend pass away, and at his memorial service, he had the same tight group of 17 guys show up and be really present for his wife and kids that were grieving. 17 guys that still were part of each others' daily or weekly lives! I think that is SUPER RARE. Certainly hasn't been MY experience.

Our circumstances change. Our priorities change. And sometimes, the way we connect with people changes right along with them. I had friends and a community that I was involved with for over 15 years. I really thought they were lifetime friends. But when I stopped working for that company, that community vaporized. A few still remain as very casual acquaintances, but most of them I had to grieve losing, process through, and recognize that they were friends for a season—a long season—but a season nonetheless.

Adam reminds us that it's perfectly okay, and totally normal, to have associates, pals, allies, and companions who parachute in and out of your life at different times and seasons

So then, it also makes me question, what kind of relationship are you creating or expecting from your jurors?

I don't mean to take a hard right here, but I know so many attorneys who are desperately seeking connection and rapport with their jurors, trying to quickly build trust and vulnerability, and trying to force "companionship" from them. Or there's a pendulum swing the other direction because you want to be seen as super approachable, someone they could have a beer with, so you present with a style that assumes you're pals. When what you really need is for them to be short-term allies.

What are you noticing in your own life, personally? How many shifts of relationships can you identify and are you okay with that? Are you at peace with it? And how about professionally? What expectations are you putting on your co-workers, your clients, and your jurors?

Not every interaction needs to become a friendship. And the ways we connect with one another are worth noticing.

Just some food for thought and a point of interest for today.

—BREAK—

Let's just take a moment to pause and breath. I'll count us down from 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1. 10 seconds.

I don't know about you, but personally, I have found myself needing to really practice emotional regulation in recent years. Of course, current politics and events really bring this to the fore, but even just as I'm in this fun season of changing hormones—I've shared before on the podcast—how I'm just needing to manage anxiety a bit differently, and I've tried to just get more curious about why I'm experiencing certain emotions; what does this reveal about my core values?, what is the underlying issue?, why is this triggering me?, etc.

In all of that daily navigation, breathing has been critical. I think we've all heard about the "count to 10 before you respond" rule, right? And I've even talked about it in an early episode, but it think it's worth revisiting WHY this is a valuable skill to learn and what it's doing.

Let me first say though, that, you may be thinking "yeah yeah, that's a no-brainer. Of course we should all be less reactive." AND YET...while it makes perfect sense COGNITIVELY, it is really counter intuitive PRACTICALLY. I mean, just think back to a recent moment that triggered you, remember what happened in your body in that moment. I'd be willing to bet that you, like me, have normal biological responses. Your body may respond with a stress response. Your muscles might tense, your breathing may become shallow, and your body may prepare to protect you or respond to a perceived threat.

So, yeah...this idea of pausing and counting to 10 is something we can all agree with as being a valuable tool, and yet we all need to PRACTICE it because it does NOT come naturally for any of us.

So...what's really happening in that 10 second countdown.

First of all, and probably the most obvious, is that it's calming your nervous system. I think it's pretty instinctive that while you're counting, you're ALSO slowing down your breath. I suppose those two actions don't HAVE to be paired, but they are. The brain just makes some natural pairings. A 10-second countdown, and slowing down your breath. A match made in heaven. ha! Slowing your breathing can help engage your parasympathetic nervous system, that's the branch that supports your body’s rest-and-digest functions and just helps to counter-balance the stress response. Instead of preparing skeletal muscles to get ready to run or defend yourself, slower breathing helps you reduce physical tension; release what you've been holding and just soften a bit.

That physical softening may influence the interaction. Think about it...When you appear less tense or threatening, the other person may be less likely to perceive you as a threat. Sometimes, one person's calmer presence can help another person settle as well. Of course, it's not a guaranteed response, but it USUALLY helps turn down the volatility volume a bit.

And the brain comes back online. You give yourself a mindful focus to anchor in. That simple act of counting (and breathing) helpfs break the cycle of racing thoughts, obsessive rumination, and manic distraction. We can start to open up our awareness, we can better see details, we can bring focus back to the issue at hand.

And that intentional pause and breath helps us become RESPONSIVE instead of REACTIVE. Notice the difference there. Breathing, intentionally, creates choice. We get to choose our tone. We get clarify our content. And, in the courtroom, which type of communicator do you think the jury is likely to trust? Someone who flies off the handle, or someone that shows they can remain calm under pressure? I think MOST of the time, it's the latter.

Now, I think it's really important to state that the goal is not to AVOID strong emotions, or emotions that are sometimes considered "bad"—anger, anxiety, sadness. You know the usual suspects. Emotions are amoral. There's no good or bad. So we don't want to feel fewer emotions, or only "positive" emotions. We don't want to swing the pendulum to the complete opposite side and create toxic positivity, right?

What this intention towards breathing does, which our 10-second countdown helps facilitate, is that it interrupts impulsive reactions. It just gives a brief pause. And in that pause, you begin to build your capacity to identify and regulate your emotional state. And then you can CHOOSE. You can respond with more composure. You can align your behavior with the bigger picture of the type of communicator you want to be, the type of litigator you envision.

Calming your nervous system doesn't mean that you weaken your position, or that you lose your fire or intensity. It just keeps you at choice and gives you agency in the tense moments.

So, let's do the countdown again. Think about a low breath, softened shoulders, and a pleasant or even just a neutral facial expression for 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1.

And until next week...keep fostering your voice.