This episode takes a clear-eyed look at people-pleasing—what it actually is, where it comes from, and why it can quietly undermine your communication. Kristi draws on the wisdom of Adam Grant, and resources from Psychology Today, to reframe people-pleasing as a fear-based behavior rooted in emotional self-protection, not generosity, and explores how it shows up in everyday interactions and in the courtroom.

From there, she connects the dots to trial advocacy: when you’re trying to manage others’ emotions, you lose your grounding—and your effectiveness. The episode closes with a practical communication tip on physical tension and vocal performance, showing how stress in the body directly impacts the quality, power, and control of your voice.

LISTEN HERE...

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• The difference between healthy social connection and chronic people-pleasing
• Why people-pleasing is often driven by fear, guilt, and emotional avoidance
• Common signs of people-pleasing (and how to recognize them in yourself)
• How people-pleasing shows up in communication—and why it weakens your presence
• The surprising idea that people-pleasing can actually be self-focused behavior
• Why nervous system regulation is essential for leadership and clear thinking
• How physical muscle tension (shoulders, neck, jaw) restricts vocal power and clarity
• Simple awareness practices to release tension and improve vocal performance

Key Takeaway

When you stop trying to manage everyone else’s emotions, you create space to communicate with clarity, authority, and authenticity. Grounded communication starts in the body—relaxed, regulated, and fully present.

Favorite Moment

Kristi’s reflection on Kristin Bell's “too much cream in the coffee” story—and how even in a low-stakes moment, people-pleasing can override what we actually want—perfectly captures how subtle and automatic this pattern can be.

Links & Resources

Psychology Today - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/people-pleasing

Adam Grant The Truth about People Pleasing w/ Kristin Bell - https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXZbZX9RWkR/?igsh=MWltNmRybTB1MWpkdQ==

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If this episode hit home, share it with a colleague or leave a quick review—it helps more attorneys learn how to communicate with confidence and clarity.

TRANSCRIPT:

—WELCOME—

 When I say "people pleaser" what pops up for you? Did you think of someone in your sphere that has people-pleaser tendencies? Or did you think of yourself? Did it resonate with YOU? What even is it? And is it really all that bad? Let's take a quick look together.

Now, let me start by saying, it's part of the human condition to want to feel connected to people, to be included, to know that we've brought delight to people around us. These are normal expectations and normal feelings. So, what's the tipping point from "normal" social behavior to chronic people-pleasing?

People-pleasing is a shift from simply wanting approval to requiring it for emotional & mental safety. While normal social behavior is based on genuine kindness, people-pleasing is driven by fear, guilt, and a desperate need to manage others' emotions. It becomes toxic when a person consistently sacrifices their own needs, their own energy & values, in order to maintain the peace, ensure they are liked, or make sure others are comfortable above their own needs.

An article from Psychology Today lists the following traits as being possible indicators that you're a people pleaser. I'll put the link to the article in the show notes, but some common signs include:

• Struggling to say no

• Prioritizing others’ needs over your own

• Over-apologizing

• Avoiding conflict

• Feeling responsible for others’ emotions

Any of those hit home?

The article goes on to say, "People who are genuinely big-hearted with their time and efforts have a healthy self-regard, they know what they value as well as what gives them meaning. A people-pleaser, however, does not have high self-regard. They need to tend to the needs of others, thinking this will fulfill their own emotional needs. In addition, they spend time worrying about what others think about them; they are not pleasing others out of love or benevolence, they are doing so out of fear."

Now, based on market research, we know that statistically, among Americans, 48% would describe themselves as people-pleasers. And in that group (of nearly HALF the population), women are more likely than men to say they would describe themselves as a people-pleaser. 52% of women and 44% of men in that self-described people pleasing group, which isn't surprising.

What started this whole inquiry into people pleasing for me was a reel that "came across my desk," of Adam Grant (popular science writer, psychologist, modern thought leader) interviewing the actress Kristin Bell for a live podcast episode. Kristin tells this hilarious story about asking for a cup of coffee on a plane and how the flight attendant put way too much cream in it. Kristin asks for another and in her mind is telling herself, "just ask for less cream. only 1 cream this time. no big deal. just 1 cream." But when it comes down to the moment, the attendant asks, "Same as last time?" and Kristin says, "Yeah, thanks." I've put the link in the show notes so you can watch her great storytelling and how the conversation unfolds.

But Adam, insightfully shares, that people pleasing is a selfish behavior. Which i thought was interesting because on the surface, it looks like it's all about the other person's comfort. But he says that, for people who are empaths particularly, people pleasing is a way to avoid feeling someone else's bad feelings, so, it's ultimately about you. AND, you don't want to be disliked. It's all from a fear-based place and desire to control the situation. Plus, as Kristin says about herself, "I have a difficult time telling the difference between your emotions and my emotions."

I thought that was really interesting, and insightful, AND challenging. If I’m honest—I see this in myself too. Not all the time. Not in every situation. But in patterns. In seasons. I certainly have had fluctuating times of being more of a people pleaser, and other times of fortifying my self-worth and taking care of my own needs. For me, it's not an all-or-nothing. It's a lived experience. It's a seasons-of-life, stages-of-relationships sort of thing.

Here’s why this matters for your communication. When you’re people-pleasing, you’re not grounded in yourself. You’re reacting. You’re tightening. You’re trying to manage the room.

I’m curious where you land with this. Where do you notice it showing up? And what might change if you didn’t feel the need to manage everyone else? I'd love to hear from you. Send me an email at [email protected] to let me know how this resonates with you.

—BREAK—

On the pod, I talk a lot about regulating your nervous system, because you cannot lead effectively if you’re dysregulated.

I've preached the merits of learning to manage your breath so that you can up-regulate your PARAsympathetic nervous system, thereby ALSO helping your jurors to get to THEIR rest and digest state. We KNOW that getting into (and staying) in rest & digest allows brains to stay online and more quality, measured decision making to happen.

Okay, so...regulating your stress levels is critical for leadership, for ability to learn, for decision-making, and mental clarity.

But here’s the piece many people miss: if your body is tense, your voice will be too. Have you ever listened to yourself back and thought, "why do I sound so squeaky?" "why can't I seem to get any volume?" TENSION.

You can’t have a free voice in a tight body. The tension you hold in your body directly impacts how your instrument (your VOICE) works. This may seem obvious, but let's just break this down in case you've never really thought about the correlation.

Do a little experiment with me. Just right where you are, tense your shoulder blades. Don't raise your shoulder to your ears, that's now what I'm talking about. Feel the space in the middle of your upper back, and flex. Maybe you're already at full flex. Just bring your awareness to that spot.

Okay, if you can...release & relax those muscles. Now flex and hold it again. Bring your awareness to your jaw line and the sides of your neck. Do you feel it? Feel how those muscles tighten up too.

Tension doesn't happen in isolation. It doesn’t stay local. Everything is connected. Muscles connect to other muscles. I mean, flex your calf real quick. How does your quad & your hip feel? They're connected.

The stress/tension that you hold in your shoulders, specifically shoulder blades/upper back, activates and flexes neck muscles.

Now take a high breath into your upper chest. What does the front part of your neck do? Mine gets activated. My SCM, the sternocleidomastoid muscle, is fully flexed.

Okay, so why are you talking about my neck, Kristi?

Well, WHERE is your voice located? Where are your vocal cords? They're housed inside your larynx, which is inside your NECK.

So I ask, is it reasonable to expect that your voice will behave the way your want it to, the way you NEED it do, if everything surrounding it is locked up and tense? No. That is an unreasonable expectation. And yet, you're always surprised when you lack power, and sound a little more shrill than you planned.

How do you get on top of this then? Well...as with everything, it starts with awareness. Do some body scans when you're just sitting at your desk or sitting at a stop light. Can you release the tension? Shoulders. Jaw. Neck. Breath. Just take inventory of where you're holding tension and see if you can let it go.

How about some yoga or foam rolling? Harder to do at your office in the middle of the day, but the things you do before and after your work day contribute to your physical success during the workday.

Let me know what you'll be doing to reduce the muscle tension your hold in your upper body. If you want your voice to be stronger, if you want to be able to access the full spectrum of vocal color in order to infuse intentional meaning into your words, if you want to improve control and clarity, pay attention and incorporate ways to relax your body throughout your day.

Until next time, keep fostering your voice.