When most people think of self-care, they imagine candles, baths, or maybe a vacation. But sometimes the most powerful version of self-care is the quiet, resolute no — especially when that no means honoring who you’ve become, not who you were. In this episode, Kristi shares a personal story that reshaped her view of self-care, and explores how trial attorneys (and high-achievers in general) can redefine care not as indulgence, but as essential fuel for growth and performance.

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💡 Key Takeaway:

Self-care isn’t always soft — sometimes it’s about saying no, letting go, and trusting that your next version deserves room to grow.

✨ Favorite Moment:

“When I said no to something I used to love — not because it wasn’t good, but because it wasn’t me anymore. That was the clearest self-care I’ve practiced in a long time.”

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TRANSCRIPT:

Helllloooo! Hello Foster Fam! Welcome back. Hey! If you haven't already, please go ahead and leave a star-rating and a quick review. It's easy to do and it makes a HUGE impact for the podcast. Now, I listen to podcasts on Apple Podcasts, so if you want to just follow along quick, grab your phone, open Podcasts, go to your library, find the "show" Foster Your Voice Podcast. Then scroll down past the abbreviated list of episodes and you'll see the Ratings and Reviews section. From there, you can just tap the 5-stars. And then you'll see where it says "Write a Review." That's a great place to talk about a valuable takeaway you've had, and what you're enjoying about the podcast that keeps you coming back each week. I know you can do a similar process on Spotify, Amazon, and other platforms as well, so please take just a minute to do that.

Today we're going to be diving into the topic of self care, and it my take on it might surprise you a bit.

But before we get into that, I wanted to ask you a question that was posed to me and it just gave me a good opportunity to reflect and learn more about myself AND about the people in my life. So, here was the question:

What helps you settle in and be yourself? When interacting with people, what is the thing that happens that makes you just really feel like you can be unapologetically yourself, unfiltered? Is it their self deprecating humor? Is it being able to share personal stories? Is it that they ask good questions?

Think about the people that you are most at ease around; the people who you feel really know you and that you can relax around. What about them, or your exchanges, make that level of authenticity possible?

Now, there are people that you have long time connection with. For me, I am completely disarmed and unguarded when i'm with my mom and my sister. That longevity of shared experiences, shared humor, shared vulnerability...there's just natural flow, unscripted conversation, inside jokes, spontaneous singing...and all those things help me settle in and I know I can be completely myself — the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But what about when you're with folks that you don't have history with? How do you quickly become your most authentic self, and how do YOU help THEM show up as THEIR most authentic self?

Cause, what's the alternative? It's being defensive, performative, protective, guarded.

This is what you're facing with jurors, right? Or even before that...with witnesses you're deposing.

If you're fine with interactions that always feel guarded, that never cut through, that stay on the surface, and feel inauthentic or performative...well...don't ask the question.

But if you want something different, if you want true human connection, and if you want to set folks at ease in your presence, then you MUST ask the question and consider it with each new encounter.

For me, I naturally feel at ease when I feel like someone is genuinely curious and allows me to be curious. The mutual respect that is communicated when you bring a true curiosity and a true desire to understand another human, to have access to their perspective without judgement...that respect goes a LONG way to bridging over to authentic connection.

What do you think? Send me an email [email protected] or send me a DM to share your thoughts on what types of qualities in yourself or in others that ultimately facilitates authentic connection and ease.

Knowing the answer to that will transform your depos and your voir dire.

You know, one of the greatest compliments of my life came from my friend Alan.

We were both in the pit orchestra for a musical — Alan was conducting, I was on keys. It was one of those multi-week gigs with long rehearsal nights and quick turnarounds. I didn't live TOO far from the venue, but far enough to feel a little stressed about getting enough sleep and fighting traffic. So, to save myself from the late-night drive and the early-morning chaos, I booked a room at a hotel just around the corner from the theater. Total staycation energy.

I was telling the other musicians about my little plan, while we were visiting before the show got underway — and Alan just chimed in casually and said, “Kristi’s always been really good about her self-care.”

And I froze. I had such conflicted emotions.

First, I thought "That is the nicest thing he has ever said to me. Wow! What a compliment." But equally so, I was so worried I was being seen as frivolous.

Self-indulgent. Bougie. Like… “Oh, look at her, she needs a hotel for a local gig.”

And isn’t that so telling?

That doing something kind for ourselves can still feel like something we need to apologize for?

Self-care today lives in this weird tension.

On one side, you’ve got these genuine practices that keep us healthy — physically, mentally, emotionally. On the other, you’ve got the glittery, monetized version: #treatyoself with a $22 candle and a six-step skincare routine that requires a PhD in chemistry.

Have you seen that episode of Parks & Rec where the characters, Tom and Donna, have their annual Treat Yo Self day? One day a year, they give themselves over to self-indulgence and pampering.

Now I’m not mad at pampering

Pampering — whether it’s a massage, a nap, or a hot towel shave, opening a special bottle of wine — isn’t always indulgence. Sometimes it’s nervous system regulation. Sometimes it’s the only hour your brain gets quiet. If a bubble bath helps you hold a boundary or avoid snapping at your paralegal tomorrow — that’s a strategic choice.

In her 1988 collection of essays, Audre Lorde wrote, "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare."

She wrote that in the middle of fighting cancer and fighting oppressive systems that tried to erase her existence. The context matters — and it should never be erased.

But that principle?

That caring for ourselves is a necessity, not a luxury?

That principle rings true in all kinds of demanding professions. In the legal profession, where the demands are relentless and burnout runs high, this mindset shift is powerful:

What if rest, reflection, and recovery weren’t things we earned after a trial… but things we practiced to survive it?

Self-care doesn’t mean we’re weak. It means we’re still standing.

Now listen. Some of the things we once considered punishment as kids?

That’s the adult dream now.

Like there’s this meme that says, “When I was a kid, being sent to my room was a punishment. Now it’s a vacation.”

Or, "Being grounded as a kid: torture.

Being grounded as an adult: a blessing."

I WISH someone would ground me and send me to my room for a timeout. Just to sit there, bored.

I mean… when was the last time you were bored?

When I would get bored as a kid, I’d tell my mom, and she’d say, “Well, I can find something for you to do…” which meant chores.

So we learned quickly — boredom leads to bathrooms that need scrubbing. We’d disappear fast.

Now?

I would pay good money to be bored.

Quiet time? Naps? Early bedtime? That’s the wishlist now.

And that’s part of the shift — because sometimes we think self-care has to be some big, curated ritual. But sometimes it’s just doing the thing 8-year-old you would've considered punishment — and loving it.

So here’s a question: What actually helps you refill your tank?

1. Is it silence?

2. Moving your body?

3. A dumb comedy and Chinese takeout?

4. Cleaning out a drawer?

And — are you doing any of that regularly? Or have you convinced yourself you don’t deserve it yet?

But let’s go deeper than bubble baths for a second.

The best self-care I know isn’t just rest.

It’s release.

Releasing who you used to be, what used to define you, and what used to get you approval.

We are not the same people we once were. Thankfully. But all that growth also means some big identity shifts.

There was a time, in highschool & college, when I wanted arena tours. I wanted the big stage. But then, post-college, I found myself loving, and excelling as a background vocalist, and loving being in the recording studio.

Then I was a classroom teacher. Then a private studio coach.

Then I ran a theater company — which I loved. I was writing curriculum, running shows, mentoring artists, building systems, learning budgets, graphic design… all of it.

And then I had to let that version of me go too — to return to my own studio, to serve clients one-on-one, to start over with a new mission, eventually finding this incredibly meaningful work with trial attorneys. And now, I'm a trial voice coach and nonverbal communications consultant for high-stakes litigators.

And every step — every pivot — meant letting go of a former identity.

Sometimes before others were ready for me to.

Sometimes before I felt ready.

But that letting go? That release and stepping into something new? That’s not a crisis.

That’s self care.

That’s pruning. And pruning directs energy toward new growth. You are not betraying your self by moving on. You’re honoring your self by evolving.

Not long ago, I was offered a pretty big opportunity.

Lucrative. Low time commitment. Clear value. It was something I knew I could do well. I had done it before, for years, excelling at it and having a reputation for the quality of my work.

But as I sat with the invitation to return to that work, even briefly… I realized:

Taking that job would have meant stepping back into a former version of me.

One that I had worked hard to evolve from.

And I’ll be honest, I had a moment where I thought:

“Are you really going to say no to that much money?”

“Are you too good for easy work now?”

But I’ve done enough identity pruning to know this:

The best self-care isn’t always about creating ease.

Sometimes, it’s about resolve.

Saying no — not because something’s beneath you — but because it doesn’t align with who you are now.

So if you’ve been feeling like you “should” take the case, the job, say yes to the gig, show up the way you used to… ask yourself:

Is this who I am… or just who I used to be?

And if you’re already feeling pulled toward the next version of yourself, then maybe the kindest, strongest, most care-filled thing you can do…

Is let go.

With love. With thanks. And with your head held high.

Let yourself grieve if you need to — even growth can be accompanied by feelings of loss. But trust that what’s ahead is more aligned than what you’ve outgrown.

And then, treat yo self.

If this landed for you, send it to someone who’s navigating that same shift. Or just take a nap. That counts too.

Until next week, keep fostering your voice.