What does it actually mean to be an introvert?

In this episode, Kristi explores introversion through a conversation featuring Simon Sinek, Adam Grant, and Brené Brown, all of whom identify as introverts despite having highly public-facing careers. Their different approaches to social interaction highlight an important distinction: introversion isn't about how much you like people or how comfortable you are around them. It's about how you recharge and regulate your social energy.

Kristi shares her own experience as an introvert who loves people, works with people, and spends much of her professional life speaking and coaching. She also explores the importance of self-awareness when it comes to understanding your own social limits and creating the boundaries you need to manage overstimulation.

In the Communication Tip, Kristi turns that same idea of self-awareness toward something much more physical: your breathing. She talks about the times she catches herself mouth-breathing or holding her breath without realizing it, and offers a simple reminder to periodically check in with your breathing patterns.

LISTEN HERE...

Key Takeaway

You don't have to fit someone else's definition of an introvert—or an extrovert.

You can love people, communicate well, and thrive in highly social environments while still needing significant amounts of solitude to recharge. The important thing is knowing yourself well enough to recognize what you need and giving yourself permission to regulate your energy accordingly.

Favorite Moment

“Even though I like people, am good with people, and present with people-energy...I am still deeply introverted.”

Links & Resources

Introversion/Extroversion - https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1HUoopBmMB/?mibextid=wwXIfr

James Nester - Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art https://a.co/d/01xuoVKg

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Take a moment this week to notice how you recharge.

Do you feel energized after spending time with people, or do you eventually need to retreat and have some quiet time to yourself? And when you're concentrating or under pressure, what does your breathing naturally do?

Self-awareness is the starting point for making intentional choices about both your energy and your communication.

Until next time...keep fostering your voice.

TRANSCRIPT:

Helllooooo!!! Hello Foster Fam!

I'm gonna say some names: Simon Sinek, Adam Grant, and Brene Brown. Each one of these people are major powerhouses in the self-development space. I've been really impacted by each of their work individually and, actually, in a few earlier episodes I've interacted with some posts I've seen with Adam and Brene (I'm on a first-name basis with them. you know how I do.). BUT, when i saw a reel of the THREE of them talking together, my jaw dropped and, of course, I tuned in. So, I think Adam and Brene have a podcast called The Curiosity Shop, and this was them having Simon as a guest.

Anyway, they were talking about how they ALL were introverts. Which, on the surface I found very interesting because they are all in very forward facing, "front man for the band" type of careers. All of them are public speakers with, collectively, millions of followers.

But also, i found it very interesting because they were all introverts in VERY different ways. And I wanted to just unpack this and explore it a bit more.

This particularly resonated with me because people are always surprised to find out just how introverted I am too. In fact, at lunch with my mentor recently, someone who I have known since I was 15 years old, who has seen me through each stage and age, who has personally witnessed me in each expression of my professional career, and sat with me in my more personal moments, someone who engages in my introspection and cosmic questioning...okay, you get the picture...this person knows me. So, I was SHOCKED to see how shocked HE was when he heard me say something about being an introvert. Like, he just couldn't believe it.

So, it was a good opportunity to discuss how being an introvert or extrovert has very little to do with the activities you do. It's all about how you recharge your energy and how you regulate your social exchanges.

I love people. I'm great with people. I'm good with groups and one-on-one. But I don't refuel by being around people. In fact, the opposite. I HAVE to have significant amounts of non-people time in order to refuel and recharge my energy. Those closest to me know the exact minute that I "hit the wall." They can visibly see the precise moment when i have run out of social resources and I have to escape. And I'm not always gracious about it either. I TRY, but sometimes I'm just like, "Well...I need to go." hahahaa! It's like an off-switch.

So, just because I like people, am good with people, and present with people-energy, like this trio of thought-leaders, I am still deeply introverted.

The other thing that was interesting was how differently their introversion expressed itself.

Brene doesn't want you to come up and talk to her afterward because it makes her anxious.

Adam is happy to talk to you after, but not before he speaks cause he doesn't know what you want to talk about

And Simon is happy to talk to you but only one-on-one, not as a group.

I just love how they each have rules around social interactions that are personal to them. Somehow, I just found it really validating. They, and by extension I, don't have to fit into a cookie cutter mold. Each person is different and needs to regulate their rate of overstimulation as they deem best for themselves. I'm just now kind of putting into words that it's a real pet peeve of mine when people try to pigeon-hole me into THEIR comfort zone; THEIR definitions, instead of just letting me be.

I'm an introvert and I am the best person to take care of myself. And I do.

But it has to come with self-awareness. Brene said that she can talk for hours about work stuff, but she physically retreats as soon as music comes on and dancing starts. Unstructured social time is an immediate no for her. She says, "my team knows, Brene doesn't do dinners." Whereas Simon says he can do groups, but group exchanges drain his social battery much quicker than 1:1 so he just needs to leave sooner than he would otherwise.

Being an introvert doesn't come with an emboldened sense of self though. At least for me, I constantly feel like I'm being selfish, and that people will see me as entitled and uncaring, neither of which accurately represent me. Adam talks about that sense of responsibility too. It's why he goes to the after parties when he really doesn't want to. "I feel like I'll be letting my team down. I said I was going to go."

I'm curious...how do YOU refuel? Do you revive being around people, or do you need to retreat in order to regain energy? Do you feel a sense of obligation? They say (whoever "they" are) that, women especially, once you hit your 50s, you're suddenly gifted with a "I don't care anymore", laissez faire attitude, zero effs to give approach. Well, I'll be 53 at the end of this year and that's not been my experience quite yet. So, I'm curious how you experience and regulate your social interactions. What rules do you have? Send me an email at [email protected] and let me know, if you're an introvert, are you more like Adam, or like Brene, or like Simon, OR are you your own special blend? Let me know.

—BREAK—

Even though I am a full-grown adult, and have been for a while now, thank you very much...every once in awhile I just need some reminders. Like for some really basic stuff that I should be doing anyway, and...mostly do. Like drink water. I have been known to set banner reminders to pop up on my screen that just say, "drink water." I even LIKE water, but sometimes...i just kinda forget.

Or, setting alarms at various times of the day to just give myself a reminder to stand up. haha! I just get stuck sitting at my desk sometimes and...that's just not good for us. Our bodies need to move, they need to get out of a seated position. My low back does so much better when I remember to stand up and just move around a little bit every so often.

Another thing that I have to sometimes remind myself to do it to breath through my nose instead of my mouth, and in fact, to just close my mouth. Now, I don't think i'm usually a mouth-breather. But I sometimes get into focus mode, concentrating (which you can tell by my thinking face), and I realize that i'm breathing through my mouth, so I just reinvigorate my energy, close up and continue on. ha!

What's that line from Mary Poppins? "Close your mouth, please, Michael. We are not a codfish." It's not that bad, but...

I've read James Nestor's book that came out a few years back called Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art and he talks very clearly about how breathing SHOULD be done through the nose and all the scientifically backed reasons why mouth breathing is bad. So...I make an effort. I think it's because I have a narrow nasal canal, so sneaking air in through my mouth is sometimes just more efficient. ha!

But ALSO...sometimes I catch myself holding my breath. And for no reason at all. I'm not anxious, or scared, or whatever...I just suddenly realize I'm holding my breath. Like, while doing the dishes, or drying off after swimming. Like...what? WHY?

And I know I'm not alone in this. I've had clients tell me they find themselves randomly holding their breath too. I'm even trained as a certified breath coach!

So, here's the thing...Sure, there are things to be learned about nervous system regulation, the role of CO2 tolerance and how it impacts how and how much oxygen is released into your blood stream. All of that is valuable and worth learning more about.

But, on a much simpler level, it's good to remember that, while respiration is part of the autonomic nervous system, meaning that it happens automatically, and (mercifully) we don't have to think about every breath we take, it is still ALSO something we CAN consciously control and directly impact.

So, make it a point to periodically check in with your breathing. Maybe put a post-it on your computer, or set a timer, or...however you want to remind yourself. Just notice. Notice what your body is naturally doing. And ask if that will serve you best in the long-term. "Incorrect breathing" (and I say that in air quotes because all ways of breathing are beneficial in the correct circumstance,) so I really should say "non-ideal breathing mechanics for the moment you're currently in" (haha!) may cause vocal fatigue — breathing through the mouth can dry out your vocal cords and make them have to work much harder, thus fatigue. It can also increase cognitive overload.

If you're catching yourself holding your breath or sneaking air in through your mouth instead of your nose, I recommend picking up James Nestor's book. It's an easy, informative, and funny read that rocked most of our understanding of the importance of nasal breathing. I've put the link in the show notes if you're interested in picking it up.

Until next week, breathe through your nose, low & slow...and keep fostering your voice.