In this episode, Kristi explores three "brutal truths" of Stoicism that challenged her: your opinions are your problem, most things are not up to you, and you're going to die. Together, these ideas point toward a more intentional way of deciding where to place your attention, energy, and effort.

Then, in this week's Communication Tip, Kristi takes inspiration from Cordelia Cupp, the lead detective in The Residence, and her masterful use of stillness and silence. Whether you're questioning a witness in deposition or trial, or asking questions during voir dire, silence can create space for other people to reveal more than they initially intended to say.

The key? Be still. Breathe. Resist the urge to fill the silence.

LISTEN HERE...

Key Takeaway

You don't have to fill every silence.

In deposition or cross-examination, stillness and sustained eye contact can create strategic space for a witness to continue talking. In voir dire, resisting the urge to immediately rephrase a question or call on someone can give jurors the opportunity to step into the silence themselves.

The skill isn't simply staying quiet. It's learning to stay physically and emotionally comfortable while you're quiet—and using your breath to keep your own nervous system regulated while you hold the space.

Favorite Moment

"I'll tell you...SOMEONE usually will talk. SOMEONE will volunteer to answer. They'll save the moment. Just give them the opportunity to step into the silence."

Links & Resources

Ryan Holiday addresses "Broicism" https://www.youtube.com/shorts/2AdkAV0k7Bc

Ryan Holiday-3 brutal truths of stoics https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1DBi2x9BhV/

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If this episode gave you something to practice, try it this week: ask the question, breathe, stay still, and wait.

TRANSCRIPT:

Hellooooo!!! Hello Foster Fam! Are you in back-to-school mode? When I was growing up, we didn't start until the Tuesday after Labor Day, but I think nowadays, most schools start up in mid-to-late August. What do they do in your area? Are kids back in school? Are you into your Fall routines yet? It's always an exciting, and kind of nervous time of year. So, just know I'm thinking about you.

Shifting gears, if you spend any time on social media, you know how there are people or products that just come across your feed that you didn't actively search for, but then you end up kind of tuning in and following what's going on with their content? Maybe you've even done that with ME. Maybe I just happened across your feed and something perked your interest so you stayed and explored. Well, this happened to me with Ryan Holiday. I've mentioned him before in previous episodes.

I think I first started seeing his content from his bookstore where he was doing book recommendations. But then, sprinkled in were his posts about stoicism, and a lot of it resonated with me, or challenged me...whichever...I found it valuable and formative. It's my understanding that "the manosphere" has tried to hijack sound bites from stocism, and Ryan Holiday also talks about this co-opting that he refers to a "broicism" and how wrong they're getting it. So...in case just saying "stoicism" has raised your hackles because you, too, have seen the hypocrisy in the manosphere, I encourage you to set THAT version aside and be open to the truer roots that Ryan Holiday promotes.

I've put two links in the show notes where you can hear Ryan directly address the "broicism" movement and then also see the reel that was the inspiration for me today.

THAT reel talked about the "3 brutal truths of stoicism" and ooofff, they were convicting and challenging.

The first is that your opinions are your problem. You don't have to get upset. Whatever it is that you're forming an opinion about wasn't asking you to judge it in the first place. You have the power to have no opinion, so stop injecting yourself into everything. I mean...THAT hits between the eyes doesn't it? I think, culturally, we're just in a moment of time where we're all so reactively I mean, social media has made that possible. Keyboard warriors who comment away on every post, posts that are DESIGNED to rile you up and compel you to interact with it (like, comment, share). It's just the way of things, which is why a lot of people stay off social media.

But the idea that you don't have to have an opinion on it (whatever "it" is) is empowering. You're released from the need to inject yourself into it. Jon Acuff (one of my favorite mindset authors) calls this "strategic apathy." You don't have to be a part of every piece of content or every headline. Reserve your energy and your passion for things that you are actually impacted by and/or that you have some agency to change or impact.

And that segues nicely to the second brutal truth that Holiday gives us...most things are not up to you — you don't get a say (which is why your opinions don't matter). The economy, the weather, corporate businesses & their practices...you don't have direct say on that stuff. You're not in control. So, the stoics would advise that you practice acceptance for the things that aren't in your control and focus on, first, what you CAN control, but then also on how you respond to the things outside of your control. Your response is within your realm. It kind of reminds me of the, Serenity Prayer, right? "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." That feels very much in line with the teaching of the Stoics.

And finally, what Ryan says is maybe the most brutal truth...you're going to die. We all are. We are all mortal, we are all fragile. None of this lasts, so stop delaying. Stop acting like you have forever. Stop acting like you're immortal. You're not. So, live TODAY.

I'm curious which of these were most convicting to you? Send me an email at [email protected] or send me a DM and let me know if the words of the stoics impacted or challenged you like they did me.

—BREAK—

I admit it, I'm a TV watcher. Well, I don't actually own a TV, but I have most of the streaming services and I just really enjoy my evenings watching shows. The funny thing is that i often re-watch shows. Partly it's just for comfort-viewing or distracted-viewing (I'm usually doing some art thing or scrolling at the same time, but ALSO, I re-watch because I just kind of forget the details of the show.

My sister teases me about this because she remembers EVERYTHING. She still remembers the phone number of a kid from her 4th grade class! She's a steel vault. Not me. I remember the important stuff, but things I can let go of...I do. ha! In fact, i watched a show that I really enjoyed and I told her about it so she watched it a couple months later. When she was done our conversation when like this:

Me: Wasn't it good?!

Lori: Yeah, I really enjoyed it. I'm just a little bummed that she died at the end.

Me: (Shocked) She DIED?!!?

I had watched the entire show just a few months before, but...turns out...you still need to do "spoiler alerts" with me. hahaha!!!

So, all that to say that I often re-watch shows because I'm just as delighted in the rewatch, but much more relaxed. Or, I see/hear different things the second time around.

That happened this summer when I rewatched The Residence on Netflix. Did you see this show? If you haven't, I highly recommend. Check it out. It's a quirky who-dunnit that takes place in the White House during a State Dinner. I won't ruin anything for you here. There aren't any spoilers, but i DO want to tell you what stood out to me this time...when i watched it again, not having any idea how it would end. haha!

The lead detective is a character by the name of Cordelia Cupp. She has an unconventional approach that flusters the other characters, but she also known as "the best detective in the world." One of the really effective techniques she employs when she's questioning "suspects" is STILLNESS. Unwavering. Never breaking eye contact. Utter stillness. She purposefully creates a space and patiently waits for something to happen. Now, for this show, it creates wonderfully awkward moments where the suspects squirm, work thru their discomfort, and end up revealing things that they once held in secret.

I think there are some good attorney lessons in this. There's two ways I see this working for you...

First, you can do something very similar to what Cordelia Cupp does when you're in deposition or during direct or cross. Just stay still, hold eye contact, and breathe. The breathing this critical here because that's what keeps YOU calm and controlled. YOU don't want to feel awkward in the silence; you want THEM to feel awkward. It's that strategic awkwardness that, likely, they'll try to get out of by talking...sometimes saying more, a new detail, or just slightly different as they repeat themselves that you'll be able to use to attack their credibility.

I'm not suggesting that this is a guaranteed information-extraction technique, but it CAN create space for a witness to continue and give you more to play with. How long you hold it should depend on the witness, setting, judge, and purpose. You will have to navigate the space and decide how long you allow the strategic pause, but...just try holding it a bit longer and see what happens.

Okay, so that's the more aggressive approach. That's when you're on the offensive and on the attack. But you can also use a similar, albeit softer tactic, with jurors during voir dire.

It's been my experience, watching mock juries and focus groups that you talk too much! I get it. This is the time when YOU'RE nervous. You have way less control, there are so many variables, a lot more uncertainty. You've got an agenda and a goal and if you're going to be anxious in the trial...it's usually right here at the start, staring at a room full of strangers and wanting them to be on your side. And so, you talk. You over explain. You repeat yourself.

Do you do this? You ask a question to the general group, then when nobody starts talking, you rephrase, or rework the question and restate it? Or you just call on somebody and put them on the spot to fill the void and relieve your tension.

But, what would happen if you just ask the question and then wait...? and breathe...? And wait a bit longer...? Again, that breathing is the key to you keeping YOUR nervous system under control and keep up the perceptions that you're comfortable and trustworthy. So, what will happen if you just...remain and hold the space?

I'll tell you...SOMEONE usually will talk. SOMEONE will volunteer to answer. They'll save the moment. Just give them the opportunity to step into the silence.

Now, you have to be clear with your question when you ask it the first time. It shouldn't need repeating or clarification. Get it right with the first ask and then just wait patiently and see who steps up. SOMEONE will. And then that someone is a willing volunteer who will likely offer you, not only the answer to your question, but often they'll give you more gold to mine and points to spring from to connect to other parts of the conversation or connect to other jurors and start forming the group.

Start practicing this. You're going to feel awkward. THAT'S the thing you need to overcome. So, put yourself into positions where you have to practice the silence. And again...BREATHE. Try to mainstain stillness, and maintain eye contact. Notice all the ways you have to fight urges to fidget and look away. That's totally normal and totally human. And you would normally do that (fidget or break eye contact) in casual conversations. But, you're learning a new skill. It'll take some effort and your brain will absolutely freak out. That's okay. You've got to train it. So put in the work. I think it will really serve you, AND your client in the long run.

Be still. Breathe. And until next time...keep fostering your voice.